Confucius Lives In A Toilet Bowl

Recently, we went out to eat at a restaurant in Newport Beach. Once we were seated and had ordered our drinks and dinner, I made a trip to the men's restroom to shrink my bladder and wash my hands. As I'm standing in front of the urinal thinking about electronic juicers I look down and see the red rubber pee shield that is splattering piss all over my pants. It has a patent number, the manufacturer's name, and a brief message that says "Don't use drugs!" Wow. What an effective way to deliver a message. I began to daydream about the following scenarios:

A young teen is struggling with issues of peer pressure. His friends want him to join in their weekly paint-sniffing sessions in the backroom of the shop class. He is unsure of himself and unsure of the morality of the situation. He is afraid to ask his parents. One night his parents take him to a local restaurant for dinner. He sees one his sniffhead friends leaving as they arrive. Seeing the look on his friend's face he knows that if he doesn't sniff paint tomorrow then he will be isolated from his peer group. He begins to think about giving in to the pressure. After dinner he visits the restroom, sees the message on the pee shield, and realizes that paint-sniffing is wrong. The pee shield has saved his soul.

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A dirty crackwhore is lingering in the men's restroom on the side of a Circle K following the end of a quick $10 blowjob. She grabs her purse from the top of the urinal so that she can pull out her pipe when she notices the pee shield. The words resonate. She realizes that the life of a crackwhore is a hollow one, devoid of meaning. She decides to put away the pipe and turn her life around. The pee shield has shown her the way.

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A janitor is finishing his work for the night. He walks into the restroom and inspects the pee shields looking for cracks or any kind of deterioration that might prevent them from doing their job. It's important that they deflect piss at an angle that sends 25% of the piss towards the pisser's legs. He puts on his rubber gloves, slides his fingers under the lip of the shield so that he can lift it up, and then notices the words. His job is routine. He has done this many times before, he has seen those words many times before, but only now does he really understand those words. "Drugs really are bad" he thinks to himself and then he reaches underneath the sink to grab his secret stash of weed. He sniffs the bag one last time and then flushes away his troubles. The pee shield has restored this man's dignity.

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I am thinking about writing a script for an after school special based off one of these daydreams. Because after school specials are the second most effective way to reach kids. Of course, the most effective way is the pee shield .