Who the hell drops eaves?

I am an eavesdropper.

Working inside a cube has made me this way. It's not a talent that I have nurtured, at least not intentionally, but it is something that I've become pretty good at. For some reason my office has always been located in areas where eavesdropping really pays off. I have moved around due to reorganizations and job/team changes but I always end up sitting in a prime location for it. I've worked close to break areas, copy machines, and network printers- all of which are typical places for both casual and private office conversations. I've also been surrounded by interesting (it's more polite than saying fucked up) people. I have discovered the best way to tilt my head and position my ears for picking up conversations. I have learned how to be silent and invisible as well as how to pretend to be working busily while oblivious to my surroundings. People frequently won't hide their speech if they think you are too busy to listen.

A few of my eavesdropping thoughts:

Keyword filter
Everyone uses a keyword filter for their eavesdropping. They filter out all conversations until they hear a specific word. Some may only listen for their names. Others may listen for words like 'salary' or 'layoffs' or 'autoerotic asphyxiation'. I've learned that sometimes having 'blowjob' on your list of keywords is good and sometimes it is bad and sometimes you need therapy to fix the damage.

People filter
This is another useful filter that is based on certain voices. This filter will keep you from hearing conversations unless someone you know or want to hear is involved. Your boss would be on the list. Some of your coworkers would be on the list. Most strangers would not be. Of course, if a stranger is talking about someone that is about to get fired than you might want to listen. This filter used in combination with the keyword filter would allow you to ignore the conversation among strangers unless your name came up. If you are the person getting fired, then it might be time to figure out when you can sneak into your boss's office and take a dump behind his desk. That's why I always keep 'shitpile' on my list of keywords.

People filter fucker
This is a phrase I've created to describe those annoying, mind-grating buttholes that you can't filter out. They are typically loud and overly talkative to the point where you wonder if they dream of making love to their own mouths. Actually, that image probably doesn't make any sense but I'll leave it in here just for effect. A people filter fucker could be fifty feet away from your office and you could still hear their conversation about how their dog got sick after chewing on a dildo left in the neighbor's trashcan. Of course, you know it's not the neighbor's dildo and you also know it's probably not the dog that got sick. I once heard a PFF talking loudly on the phone about a bad rash he had on his ass. I tried to shut it out by I just couldn't. I heard the whole grisly description. I guess the good thing about it was that I knew to avoid using any toilets on that side of the building.

Drive-by Eavesdropping
Sometimes you've got to take a trip to hear a good conversation. For instance, if a coworker gets caught masturbating to some albino midget pornography in a network utility closet and you want to hear the boss chew him out- you will need to make a drive-by. You might not get a chance to hear everything but you should be able to pick up a couple of choice sentences or phrases: "You are an embarassment to this company!", "Your behaviour is disgusting and despicable!", or "That is one hot midget! Pass the lotion!"

The Accidental Outburst
Expert eavesdropping requires a great deal of restraint. When you are listening to some juicy dialogue you cannot let yourself externalize your thoughts. An outburst of laughter can put you in an awkward situation very quickly. When the coworker that sits across from you is engaged in a phone sex conversation you must remember not to show any signs of emotion or you might spoil the fun. If this requires you to swallow your own vomit, then you do it. It helps to be prepared to cover your mistakes. If you accidentally blurt out "Bullshit!" after hearing him describe the size of his penis, make sure you follow it up with something like: "I can't believe they cancelled Cop Rock. It was such a good show."