Vultures ate my dead ass up.

I Hate Sea Monkeys

2005-11-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

Those things just creep me out. I had nightmares about them when I was kid.

The road to insanity is paved with feces

2005-11-04T13:57:00.000-08:00

It's a friday afternoon and I am the only member of my team/group/branch left in the building. There are others here from other teams and other organizations, but very few people are in the building due to the fact that today is an alternate work week day off. I guess that puts me in a strange frame of mind.

I ate lunch alone today at El Pollo Loco. The Combo #1 includes a nice cheezy chicken burrito. It's tastey (after loading on the salsa), but it's also kryptonite for a lactose-intolerant person like myself. When I got back from lunch the timer on my gut bomb was already ticking away and shortly after sitting down to return to work I knew it was about to go off.

Next stop: solitary confinement at the poopoo penitentiary.

I sat down at the nicest, safest stall in the building- a place that is often peaceful even on days when the building is fully loaded. If I had access to a magazine or newspaper I might have smuggled it in with me. I definitely needed it. Despite the inherent dangers, long sessions of gastric discomfort are actually pretty boring. Sometimes I just watch the square brown tiles on the floor of the restroom and make various shapes out of them. Sometimes I pull out my cell phone and play a stupid bowling game that never, ever, ever, ever lets me get a strike two frames in a row. That is total bullshit too. I can do the same exact thing 6 time in a row and it only counts as a strike every other time I do it. It is seriously fucking frustrating that someone would make a game do that. But anyway, that's not the point of this post. My phone's battery is dead. I have nothing to read. I run out of tile shapes to make. I am still at least 10 minutes from completing my prison sentence....

Industrial toilet paper dispensers, like those found in my office building, always have cheap-ass toilet paper. They have the kind of toilet paper that is super thin and requires you to double up on your length estimates. It's also the kind of toilet paper that tears waaaaaay too easily. You have to be careful not to hold the strips too close to the serrated cutting edge or you might cut it off before you have enough to work with. This can be quite hard to do when you are fighting the weight of a full wheel of paper. The paper squares rarely cut off evenly too. There is always a small shred of a square hanging on to the square above it once you are done.

On this visit, I noticed that small shred and decided to carefully remove it from the square above so that I would have a nice clean edge when I decided to start pulling the paper. I took the shred of paper and rolled it in my fingers forming an interesting shape. It looked like rabbit ears. I held it up and made squeaky bunny noises and pretended that I had a bunny that was hopping around the stall. But my bunny had no head. So I grabbed a length of paper and began to create a head-like shape. I squeezed the paper together and applied enough pressure so that the head-like shape remained a head-like shape even after I let go. Then I poked the rabbit ears down into the head-like shape. Now I had myself a cute, little bunny head. But that wasn't enough to satisfy me. I grabbed an even longer length of toilet paper and began to fashion a body. Of course, I had no tools to work with so it wasn't a very realistic body. Actually, it was pretty much just a rounded lump of paper that bore a stronger resemblance to a turd than a bunny body, but it worked well enough for me. And then, with the pen from my pocket, I added one final touch to this creature- eyes, mouth, and belly. It was beautiful. I felt like Gepetto. After thinking about whether I wanted flush him or leave him there for someone else to find, I decided instead to save him and take a picture.

Fun with the letter 'S'.

2005-11-01T11:27:00.000-08:00

I recently stopped by an In-N-Out burger to pick up some dinner after work. I decided to have a little fun with the letter 'S' by adding it to the end of each sentence I spoke. I sometimes get great pleasure from simple, lame things like this. Here is a transcript (more or less) of my visit:

Drive-thru Diva- Gur gur mer gur geez.
Me- Whats?
Drive-thru Diva- Can I take your order please?
Me- Yes. I would like a hamburger, fries, and a root beers.
Drive-thru Diva- Two root beers?
Me- No, just one root beers.
Drive-thru Diva- (after a lengthy pause) What size of root beer do you want?
Me- Larges.
Drive-thru Diva- Large?
Me- Yes, I want a large root beers.
Drive-thru Diva- Okay....do you want onions on your hamburger?
Me- Yes, please put onions on my hamburgers.
Drive-thru Diva- (after another lengthy pause) You just wanted one hamburger right?
Me- Yes.
Drive-thru Diva- Okay. Do you need anything else?
Me- Hmmmm....How about a chocolate shakes?
Drive-thru Diva- A chocolate shake?
Me- No, make that vanillas.
Drive-thru Diva- A vanilla shake?
Me- Yeah, I want a vanilla shakes. Sorry for the confusions.
Drive-Thru Diva- (pauses again) Okay. A hambuger with onions, fries, a large root beer, and a vanilla shake...that will be $5.49 at the window.

After a few minutes in line I pull up to the window.

Cashier- That will be $5.49.
Me- Here ya goes. (I hand her a 10 dollar bill)
Cashier- Out of 10. Here's your change. (She gives me my due)
Me- Thank yous.

The cashier backs away from the window to let the bag boy take over.

Bag Boy- Did you order a Dr. Pepper?
Me- No, I ordered a root beers.
Bag Boy- Root beers?
Me- Yes, a root beers.
Bag Boy- (looks at something by the register) You had a large root beer..right?
Me- Yeah, that's what I wants.
Bag Boy- (looks at me funny) Do you need any ketchup or salt?
Me- Yeah, could I get some ketchups?
Bag Boy- (tosses a few ketchups in the bag)
Me- Oh, I just wanted one of thems.
Bag Boy- (looks at me funny again). Ok, sir. (hands me my bag of food and root beer and shake inside the drink holder) Thank you.
Me- Thank you toos.

I drive away laughing and hoping that nobody caught on to me so that my burger doesn't have special sauce added to it.

A Small Playlist Of Quirky Electronic Songs That I Enjoy

2005-07-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to comb through my mp3 collection and create a playlist of slightly eccentric music that I like. This is all electronica. This is my first crack. Actually, my first crack is probably my butt crack. That's where most of these updates come from.

These are listed as [Artist] - [Song] - [Album]

Global Goon - Keep Your Fare Down - Family Glue
I Monster - These Are Our Children - Neveroddoreven
Lemon Jelly - Go ('64) - '64 - '95
Arling & Cameron - Dirty Robot (Tofu 1.5 Remix) - We Are A&C (w/ Bonus Trks)
The Avalanches - Frontier Psychiatrist - Since I Left You
Mr. Scruff - Fish - Keep It Unreal
Mr. Scruff - Shanty Town - Keep It Unreal
Mouse On Mars - Actionist Respoke - Idiology
Orbital - Easy Serv - The Blue Album
Fantastic Plastic Machine - L'Aventure Fantastique - Fantastic Plastic Machine
Aphex Twin - Alberto Balsalm - I Care Because You Do
Aphex Twin - Milkman - Richard D. James Album

Global Goon is not Aphex Twin. I Monster's album title is a palindrome. Frontier Psychiatrist is one of my favorite songs. I put two Mr. Scruff songs on this list because they both fit together. Orbital isn't really eccentric sounding but Easy Serv along with Fantastic Plastic Machine's L'Aventure Fantastique make me wanna shop for groceries. I could put any Aphex Twin song on this list but I am particularly fond of Alberto Balsalm. Milkman is on here because of this: http://www.fat-pie.com/milkman.htm

One more YTMND site

2005-07-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

Growing up I had a friend with a stepdad like this:

http://ownedstepdad.ytmnd.com/

Sean Connery is the Best James Bond and I Wasted One Evening Looking At Shit

2005-07-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

So I spent a couple of hours last night combing through the YTMND site. I've always been a big fan of the original: yourethemannowdog.com. And I've also been a fan of: picard.ytmnd.com.

I decided to make a list of some interesting ones I found-

The "What Is Love" theme will never get old to me...

ckjcwf.ytmnd.com

even if it includes the three stooges...

whatisstooge.ytmnd.com

or if it is implemented in 8-bit goodness.

nesroxbury.ytmnd.com

The Cosby Show is long gone and the reruns aren't funny to me but this almost is:

whatiscosby.ytmnd.com

It came from the 80's:

whatisaha.ytmnd.com

I always watch this guy in the Six Flags commercials...and I should be shot for watching:

whatissixflags.ytmnd.com

The chicks dig Star Trek:

whatispicard.ytmnd.com

Swingline baby!

whatismystapler.ytmnd.com
staplercalledlove.ytmnd.com

Three from the movies:

spaceballs404.ytmnd.com
boilemmashmem.ytmnd.com
ronburgundytechno.ytmnd.com

Somebody needs to make a porno in the style of a silent movie.

silentfilmstarwars.ytmnd.com

This is funny shit:

classicsnoop.ytmnd.com

So is this:

diemotherfuckers.ytmnd.com

Sticking with the Hip Hop theme:

bananayard.ytmnd.com
dingdingdong.ytmnd.com

Lame? Yes. Funny to me? Yes.

pokeshake.ytmnd.com

Tom Jones is the Bill Braski of vocals.

pussycat.ytmnd.com

So cute. Kittens and googly talk puts me in my happy place:

kittys.ytmnd.com
cuppycake.ytmnd.com

I shit you not- I watched this thing for at least 15 minutes:

priceisrightyodel.ytmnd.com

Not that funny.

attackofthehasselhoff.ytmnd.com

Only interesting if you have ever played Counterstrike:

cstechno.ytmnd.com

WTF?

smellslikevagina.ytmnd.com

I dance to this:

conangator.ytmnd.com

The person that created this will burn in hell:

christopherreeve.ytmnd.com

It's cartoon time.

alerttheinternet.ytmnd.com
ooo.ytmnd.com
jobs.ytmnd.com
prime-boobs.ytmnd.com
goggles.ytmnd.com

Safety Will Kick Your Ass

2005-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

This is my second post about stupid signs I've read- I guess I am obsessing.

The building complex where I work has safety signs posted in almost every single hallway and stairwell. They have two styles: the 'Old School' 1950s style with plain block lettering and a high-contrast color scheme that depends on a lot of whites, reds, yellows, and blacks; and the new clip-art cartoony style that actually attempts to illustrate the safety message. The Old School signs typically have messages like: "Caution: Open Door Slowly" or "Please Use Guardrail". The clip-art signs usually have cute little phrases like "Safety starts with an 'S' but begins with 'You'" or "Be Careful: Every Ladder has its Ups and Downs". Above the phrase will be a lame graphic of a guy falling off a ladder.

None of this shit works.

The older style of sign is so overrused and so plain that it is easily ignored. Nobody pays attention to stuff if they see it everywhere they go. I didn’t pay attention to the ‘Caution: Open Door Slowly’ signs until I blasted a door open and nearly knocked someone out. Of course, after that happened I didn’t really need a sign to tell me to be careful. The cutesy slogan signs are completely different. They aren’t addressing an immediate safety concern; they are just providing random safety advice. I guess they are more effective in one sense because I actually pay attention to them. Every month brings new slogans and signs and new ideas of mine on how to make the characters on the signs look like they are masturbating. I learned recently that water on the ground can be slippery- this is the kind of information that is vital to my personal safety. Before I read that I always walked around staring straight ahead and never looking down to scan the ground in front of me. The bruises and broken bones did not teach me what the sign did. Now I always check the ground for water before taking a step. Even when the cutesy signs have messages that aren’t totally worthless, they still aren’t effective. I just can’t take a message seriously when it’s being illustrated with an androgenous, Ziggy-like, dwarf creature.

I started thinking about how to make these signs more effective.

My first thought was to take the Old School style signs and spice up the text with phrases that people will definitely read and definitely remember. Instead of ‘Caution: High Voltage’ the sign could read ‘Caution: This Electricity Will Fuck You Up’. I thought about replacing ‘Caution: Watch Your Step’ with ‘Caution: If You Fall Everyone Will Laugh Their Asses Off’. A good safety slogan sign could include a picture of a guy with a pencil jabbed in his eye and blood gushing out like Mt. Krakatoa, his coworkers would be in the background screaming, and the phrase could be ‘Horseplay in the Office Is A Bloody Affair’.

Of course, those ideas would lose their effect with time just like the originals. I’m already desensitized to the image of a bloody pencil-eyed mess. A real solution has to involve something that is attention-getting, disturbing, and immune to the possibility of desensitization.

Bring in the clowns.

I think the key to effective safety signage has to involve clowns. Clowns can elicit two very different types of emotions from people: amusement or intense, irrational and lingering fear. A person that finds a clown amusing is probably going to read a clown sign every time they see it. If you laugh once at a clown, you’ll laugh again and again and again. If clowns scare you though (like they do me), then you won’t read that sign ever again. You won’t have to- that sign will be revisited repeatedly in your night terrors. You will awaken from your nightmares and find yourself curled up in a fetal position clutching your pillow and saying over and over: ‘Must use the guardrail, must use the guardrail, Chuckles is watching me, must use the guardrail’. Whether you are pro-clown or not, I think clown-based signs would work for safety.

Confucius Lives In A Toilet Bowl

2004-12-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

Recently, we went out to eat at a restaurant in Newport Beach. Once we were seated and had ordered our drinks and dinner, I made a trip to the men's restroom to shrink my bladder and wash my hands. As I'm standing in front of the urinal thinking about electronic juicers I look down and see the red rubber pee shield that is splattering piss all over my pants. It has a patent number, the manufacturer's name, and a brief message that says "Don't use drugs!" Wow. What an effective way to deliver a message. I began to daydream about the following scenarios:

A young teen is struggling with issues of peer pressure. His friends want him to join in their weekly paint-sniffing sessions in the backroom of the shop class. He is unsure of himself and unsure of the morality of the situation. He is afraid to ask his parents. One night his parents take him to a local restaurant for dinner. He sees one his sniffhead friends leaving as they arrive. Seeing the look on his friend's face he knows that if he doesn't sniff paint tomorrow then he will be isolated from his peer group. He begins to think about giving in to the pressure. After dinner he visits the restroom, sees the message on the pee shield, and realizes that paint-sniffing is wrong. The pee shield has saved his soul.

-----------------------------

A dirty crackwhore is lingering in the men's restroom on the side of a Circle K following the end of a quick $10 blowjob. She grabs her purse from the top of the urinal so that she can pull out her pipe when she notices the pee shield. The words resonate. She realizes that the life of a crackwhore is a hollow one, devoid of meaning. She decides to put away the pipe and turn her life around. The pee shield has shown her the way.

-----------------------------

A janitor is finishing his work for the night. He walks into the restroom and inspects the pee shields looking for cracks or any kind of deterioration that might prevent them from doing their job. It's important that they deflect piss at an angle that sends 25% of the piss towards the pisser's legs. He puts on his rubber gloves, slides his fingers under the lip of the shield so that he can lift it up, and then notices the words. His job is routine. He has done this many times before, he has seen those words many times before, but only now does he really understand those words. "Drugs really are bad" he thinks to himself and then he reaches underneath the sink to grab his secret stash of weed. He sniffs the bag one last time and then flushes away his troubles. The pee shield has restored this man's dignity.

-----------------------------

I am thinking about writing a script for an after school special based off one of these daydreams. Because after school specials are the second most effective way to reach kids. Of course, the most effective way is the pee shield .

Who the hell drops eaves?

2004-11-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

I am an eavesdropper.

Working inside a cube has made me this way. It's not a talent that I have nurtured, at least not intentionally, but it is something that I've become pretty good at. For some reason my office has always been located in areas where eavesdropping really pays off. I have moved around due to reorganizations and job/team changes but I always end up sitting in a prime location for it. I've worked close to break areas, copy machines, and network printers- all of which are typical places for both casual and private office conversations. I've also been surrounded by interesting (it's more polite than saying fucked up) people. I have discovered the best way to tilt my head and position my ears for picking up conversations. I have learned how to be silent and invisible as well as how to pretend to be working busily while oblivious to my surroundings. People frequently won't hide their speech if they think you are too busy to listen.

A few of my eavesdropping thoughts:

Keyword filter
Everyone uses a keyword filter for their eavesdropping. They filter out all conversations until they hear a specific word. Some may only listen for their names. Others may listen for words like 'salary' or 'layoffs' or 'autoerotic asphyxiation'. I've learned that sometimes having 'blowjob' on your list of keywords is good and sometimes it is bad and sometimes you need therapy to fix the damage.

People filter
This is another useful filter that is based on certain voices. This filter will keep you from hearing conversations unless someone you know or want to hear is involved. Your boss would be on the list. Some of your coworkers would be on the list. Most strangers would not be. Of course, if a stranger is talking about someone that is about to get fired than you might want to listen. This filter used in combination with the keyword filter would allow you to ignore the conversation among strangers unless your name came up. If you are the person getting fired, then it might be time to figure out when you can sneak into your boss's office and take a dump behind his desk. That's why I always keep 'shitpile' on my list of keywords.

People filter fucker
This is a phrase I've created to describe those annoying, mind-grating buttholes that you can't filter out. They are typically loud and overly talkative to the point where you wonder if they dream of making love to their own mouths. Actually, that image probably doesn't make any sense but I'll leave it in here just for effect. A people filter fucker could be fifty feet away from your office and you could still hear their conversation about how their dog got sick after chewing on a dildo left in the neighbor's trashcan. Of course, you know it's not the neighbor's dildo and you also know it's probably not the dog that got sick. I once heard a PFF talking loudly on the phone about a bad rash he had on his ass. I tried to shut it out by I just couldn't. I heard the whole grisly description. I guess the good thing about it was that I knew to avoid using any toilets on that side of the building.

Drive-by Eavesdropping
Sometimes you've got to take a trip to hear a good conversation. For instance, if a coworker gets caught masturbating to some albino midget pornography in a network utility closet and you want to hear the boss chew him out- you will need to make a drive-by. You might not get a chance to hear everything but you should be able to pick up a couple of choice sentences or phrases: "You are an embarassment to this company!", "Your behaviour is disgusting and despicable!", or "That is one hot midget! Pass the lotion!"

The Accidental Outburst
Expert eavesdropping requires a great deal of restraint. When you are listening to some juicy dialogue you cannot let yourself externalize your thoughts. An outburst of laughter can put you in an awkward situation very quickly. When the coworker that sits across from you is engaged in a phone sex conversation you must remember not to show any signs of emotion or you might spoil the fun. If this requires you to swallow your own vomit, then you do it. It helps to be prepared to cover your mistakes. If you accidentally blurt out "Bullshit!" after hearing him describe the size of his penis, make sure you follow it up with something like: "I can't believe they cancelled Cop Rock. It was such a good show."

Poem Number One

2004-11-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

-The Plot-

On my plate were the conspirators
A grim cabal
Half a burger, slice of pizza, cold chili from a can
Arranged in a circle, joined together for my demise
What turned them against me?
The warmth of my neglect or
The staleness of a promise unkept?
With the first bite their trap was closed
Betrayal of the nose
That didn't bother
And the taste
That refused to acknowledge
Down, down, down
Until all was consumed
Until I was consumed
By the mistake
A stomach- knotted and clenched in its wake
Heaving and heaving
A victim of the plot of the plate

Shampoo Ingredients

2004-11-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

Water (Aqua), Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate, Ammonium Laureth Sulfate, Glycol Distearate, Dimethiconol, Cocamide MEA, Glycerin, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Fragrance (Parfum), PEG-5 Cocamide, Carbomer, Amodimethicone, Ammonium Chloride, Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride, TEA-Dodecylbenzenesulfonate, Tetrasodium EDTA, DMDM Hydantoin, C11-15 Pareth-7, C12-16 Alcohols, Ammonium Xylenesulfonate, PEG-45M, Trideceth-12, PPG-9, Lysine Hydrochloride, Silk Amino Acids [Alanine, Glycine, Serine, Arginine, Isoleucine, Cystine, Histidine, Glutamic Acid], Borage (Borago Officinalis) Extract [Palmitic Acid, Stearic Acid, Linoleic Acid, Oleic Acid, Eicosenoic Acid], Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methylisothiazolinone, Ext. D&C Violet No. 2 (CI 60730).